This, my new blog, will be comprised of rotating topics. This week my topic is SECRETS- Who has them, what they are and why we keep them. A coworker asked me this morning what my darkest secret is... and I was stumped. I know I have secrets. Everyone has secrets. I just couldn't think what mine were, on short notice. I still don't really have an answer. I'm a habitual over-sharer. My initials are TMI. I guess I have the opposite problem. I don't know how to keep my mouth shut.
I think my biggest secrets are lies I told in the past, that are now irrelevant or moot. I once told my first boyfriend I was 18 when I was, in fact, 16. He found out abruptly when a cop knocked his flashlight on the fogged-up window of our SUV and I fumbled for a weak excuse as to why I couldn't provide an ID. In retrospect, most of my past secrets either make me giggle or roll my eyes. There are very few examples of my lack of veracity negatively impacting my life, or hurting others. There are examples, but they are so far in the past, I would prefer to keep them where they are and let sleeping dogs lie. No pun intended.
I'm more interested in what others consider their darkest secrets and why. Why are they dark, why do they feel the need to hide them? What would happen if they were exposed? What would motivate them to come clean? These are the questions in my mind when I decide to ask some people in my life, who will remain nameless, what their story is... regarding secrets.
EXHIBIT A:
Q: How long have you been keeping this secret?
A: Long enough for the other person to know not to say anything.
Q: Why is it dark?
A: Only that person and God knows. It breaks all 10 commandments at once... All joking aside, it's dark because it eats at me every day.
Q: Why did you feel the need to hide this secret?
A: Hmph... people would think differently of me and not want to interview me for blogs if they knew about it.
Q: What would happen if you were exposed?
A: Career-genocide
Q: You slept with someone at work! Didn't you?
A: Next question.
Q: What would motivate you to fess up?
A: Beelzebub himself.
Q: Is that your way of saying "nothing"?
A: Yeah.
Q: What if you...
A: This interview is over.
Q: I'm still going to ask you questions.
A: I will dodge them to the best of my ability.
Q: Is there anything that would make you confess? For instance, revenge or retaliation against that other person?
A: See question six
Q: Is Beelzebub a euphemism?
A: Search it on Bing, Chocko.
Q: Okay... no idea what you mean, but moving on. Do you think whoever is involved is keeping this secret as well as you are?
A: If they aren't, then the pact is broken.
Q: Do you trust that they are?
A: Next question.
Q: I'm done. Thank you.
A: Mm hmmm.
So, after talking to Exhibit A, I was struck by how uncomfortable it feels to even beat-around-the-bush about a secret, both for the interviewer and interviewee. There's something taboo about trying to qualify something so arguably sacrosanct. I could tell whatever the secret was, it was not something to discuss in mixed company. Still, and I could be wrong, but I could sense this struggling dichotomy within the person. The need to hide and the desire to expose.
That dichotomy leads me to my example for this week's subject. It's nearing Halloween and the topic is secrets. The same coworker that asked me what my darkest secret is also asked me who my favorite serial killer is. She has a kindred, skewed sense of humor. Which leads me to my example.
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Pogo the clown.
I think my own sick fascination with Gacy stems from an early-and-intense fear of clowns. Can't take 'em. Can't be around 'em. Can't think about 'em. No, thank you. In high school, I actually started a club called C.H.A. (Clown Haters Anonymous) and we would go to the Irvine Spectrum and protest the clowns that were failing at their misguided attempts to cheer people up while simultaneously scaring the crap out of children. True story. Clowns, rats and snakes. NO THANK YOU.
Anyway, Gacy... Here's this guy... not just a prolific serial killer/weirdo... but an upstanding member of society. Democratic party rally-er, children's hospital volunteer and, I want to say, church deacon. Talk about harboring dark secrets. From what I've heard and read of him, it's not like the people closest to him weren't away of his darkness, but his proclivities remained deeply seeded and hidden. For all intent and purpose, he was able to create a façade of normality... some semblance of reality that was the same as your Average Joe. John Wayne Gacy is the reason why I look around at the faces on the bus and in the street and wonder which ones are killers, adulterers, pederasts, sinners, addicts, enablers and secret-keepers. I remind myself that it's probably never who you expect and never what you expect. No one was expecting John Wayne Gacy to be a serial rapist and child-murderer. No one assumes something so unpleasant about a stranger, much less a trusted familiar.
Psychopathy aside, it also makes me wonder what's eating people up inside and what it must be like to hide something serious. I wonder if I would judge someone for their secrets or if they are only subject to the misconstrued jury in their own mind. I feel like all the secrets I've had in the past are explainable now. Small in retrospect. Funny, even. Okay... maybe not all of them. Regardless, I've certainly forgiven myself. I think the only guilt I feel now is about having a secret in the first place. It feels beneath me. The only secrets I keep now are probably because I feel like I'm protecting someone or it's an act of self-preservation... and, therefore, I don't feel much guilt about cultivating what I would like to call a healthy level of mystery.
Which brings me to my own concept of mystery... Exhibit B. Someone who claims to have no real secrets.... and given the source, pure as the driven snow, I believe her. She's either an amazing actress or a much better person than I am. In my black heart of hearts, I know she's just better than I am. I can own that fact.
Q: Why do you think you don't keep any big secrets?
A: "Cuz what's the point? You just end up hurting people."
Q: Do you think there are circumstances under which you could be persuaded to keep a dark secret?
A: Sure
Q: What circumstances?
A: Life-threatening circumstances
Q: What do you think the difference between you and someone who keeps a lot of secrets is?
A: I guess I have nothing to hide. I feel like if you have a lot of secrets, you're trying to hide a lot of things.
Q: Do you keep small secrets and why?
A: Probably. So that I don't offend people, stir up trouble, calm the storm family-wise. So, I will keep other people's secrets, but not necessarily ones of my own.
Q: I feel like there are two types of people. Those who keep secrets for others and those who keep them for themselves. Do you agree?
A: I think are people who are sick in this world who love keeping secrets and then there are people who love watching shows like Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars like me, but I don't keep secrets, myself.
Q: Why do you think those people keep secrets?
A: Because they love drama. They love it SO much... and I'm just kind of in the background.
Q: Have you been affected by someone who kept secrets from you?
A: Aren't we all? I'm sure.
So, I guess that sums up both sides of the argument fairly cleanly. On the one hand, you have people who keep secrets and on the other, those who don't. It seems both sides of the equation are equally perplexed with their counterpart. When I talk to someone who has no desire to keep secrets, she seems mellow and drama-free. It's hard to tell if her nature informs her experience or if her experience has informed her nature. Either way, the general consensus seems to be that secrets are never a good thing. They just sound exhausting. And complex and unnecessary.
When I look back at the secrets I kept, my reasons seem murky, at best. They always made everything a mess and, ultimately, they weren't worth having to begin with. So maybe think twice before you burden yourself with elaborate narratives and false mustaches in rainy alleyways in the dead of night. Unless you're a baby-murderer. Best keep that information to yourself.
I think my biggest secrets are lies I told in the past, that are now irrelevant or moot. I once told my first boyfriend I was 18 when I was, in fact, 16. He found out abruptly when a cop knocked his flashlight on the fogged-up window of our SUV and I fumbled for a weak excuse as to why I couldn't provide an ID. In retrospect, most of my past secrets either make me giggle or roll my eyes. There are very few examples of my lack of veracity negatively impacting my life, or hurting others. There are examples, but they are so far in the past, I would prefer to keep them where they are and let sleeping dogs lie. No pun intended.
I'm more interested in what others consider their darkest secrets and why. Why are they dark, why do they feel the need to hide them? What would happen if they were exposed? What would motivate them to come clean? These are the questions in my mind when I decide to ask some people in my life, who will remain nameless, what their story is... regarding secrets.
EXHIBIT A:
Q: How long have you been keeping this secret?
A: Long enough for the other person to know not to say anything.
Q: Why is it dark?
A: Only that person and God knows. It breaks all 10 commandments at once... All joking aside, it's dark because it eats at me every day.
Q: Why did you feel the need to hide this secret?
A: Hmph... people would think differently of me and not want to interview me for blogs if they knew about it.
Q: What would happen if you were exposed?
A: Career-genocide
Q: You slept with someone at work! Didn't you?
A: Next question.
Q: What would motivate you to fess up?
A: Beelzebub himself.
Q: Is that your way of saying "nothing"?
A: Yeah.
Q: What if you...
A: This interview is over.
Q: I'm still going to ask you questions.
A: I will dodge them to the best of my ability.
Q: Is there anything that would make you confess? For instance, revenge or retaliation against that other person?
A: See question six
Q: Is Beelzebub a euphemism?
A: Search it on Bing, Chocko.
Q: Okay... no idea what you mean, but moving on. Do you think whoever is involved is keeping this secret as well as you are?
A: If they aren't, then the pact is broken.
Q: Do you trust that they are?
A: Next question.
Q: I'm done. Thank you.
A: Mm hmmm.
So, after talking to Exhibit A, I was struck by how uncomfortable it feels to even beat-around-the-bush about a secret, both for the interviewer and interviewee. There's something taboo about trying to qualify something so arguably sacrosanct. I could tell whatever the secret was, it was not something to discuss in mixed company. Still, and I could be wrong, but I could sense this struggling dichotomy within the person. The need to hide and the desire to expose.
That dichotomy leads me to my example for this week's subject. It's nearing Halloween and the topic is secrets. The same coworker that asked me what my darkest secret is also asked me who my favorite serial killer is. She has a kindred, skewed sense of humor. Which leads me to my example.
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Pogo the clown.
I think my own sick fascination with Gacy stems from an early-and-intense fear of clowns. Can't take 'em. Can't be around 'em. Can't think about 'em. No, thank you. In high school, I actually started a club called C.H.A. (Clown Haters Anonymous) and we would go to the Irvine Spectrum and protest the clowns that were failing at their misguided attempts to cheer people up while simultaneously scaring the crap out of children. True story. Clowns, rats and snakes. NO THANK YOU.
Anyway, Gacy... Here's this guy... not just a prolific serial killer/weirdo... but an upstanding member of society. Democratic party rally-er, children's hospital volunteer and, I want to say, church deacon. Talk about harboring dark secrets. From what I've heard and read of him, it's not like the people closest to him weren't away of his darkness, but his proclivities remained deeply seeded and hidden. For all intent and purpose, he was able to create a façade of normality... some semblance of reality that was the same as your Average Joe. John Wayne Gacy is the reason why I look around at the faces on the bus and in the street and wonder which ones are killers, adulterers, pederasts, sinners, addicts, enablers and secret-keepers. I remind myself that it's probably never who you expect and never what you expect. No one was expecting John Wayne Gacy to be a serial rapist and child-murderer. No one assumes something so unpleasant about a stranger, much less a trusted familiar.
Psychopathy aside, it also makes me wonder what's eating people up inside and what it must be like to hide something serious. I wonder if I would judge someone for their secrets or if they are only subject to the misconstrued jury in their own mind. I feel like all the secrets I've had in the past are explainable now. Small in retrospect. Funny, even. Okay... maybe not all of them. Regardless, I've certainly forgiven myself. I think the only guilt I feel now is about having a secret in the first place. It feels beneath me. The only secrets I keep now are probably because I feel like I'm protecting someone or it's an act of self-preservation... and, therefore, I don't feel much guilt about cultivating what I would like to call a healthy level of mystery.
Which brings me to my own concept of mystery... Exhibit B. Someone who claims to have no real secrets.... and given the source, pure as the driven snow, I believe her. She's either an amazing actress or a much better person than I am. In my black heart of hearts, I know she's just better than I am. I can own that fact.
Q: Why do you think you don't keep any big secrets?
A: "Cuz what's the point? You just end up hurting people."
Q: Do you think there are circumstances under which you could be persuaded to keep a dark secret?
A: Sure
Q: What circumstances?
A: Life-threatening circumstances
Q: What do you think the difference between you and someone who keeps a lot of secrets is?
A: I guess I have nothing to hide. I feel like if you have a lot of secrets, you're trying to hide a lot of things.
Q: Do you keep small secrets and why?
A: Probably. So that I don't offend people, stir up trouble, calm the storm family-wise. So, I will keep other people's secrets, but not necessarily ones of my own.
Q: I feel like there are two types of people. Those who keep secrets for others and those who keep them for themselves. Do you agree?
A: I think are people who are sick in this world who love keeping secrets and then there are people who love watching shows like Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars like me, but I don't keep secrets, myself.
Q: Why do you think those people keep secrets?
A: Because they love drama. They love it SO much... and I'm just kind of in the background.
Q: Have you been affected by someone who kept secrets from you?
A: Aren't we all? I'm sure.
So, I guess that sums up both sides of the argument fairly cleanly. On the one hand, you have people who keep secrets and on the other, those who don't. It seems both sides of the equation are equally perplexed with their counterpart. When I talk to someone who has no desire to keep secrets, she seems mellow and drama-free. It's hard to tell if her nature informs her experience or if her experience has informed her nature. Either way, the general consensus seems to be that secrets are never a good thing. They just sound exhausting. And complex and unnecessary.
When I look back at the secrets I kept, my reasons seem murky, at best. They always made everything a mess and, ultimately, they weren't worth having to begin with. So maybe think twice before you burden yourself with elaborate narratives and false mustaches in rainy alleyways in the dead of night. Unless you're a baby-murderer. Best keep that information to yourself.
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